The Hard Parts Before the Healing

Hey y’all, I know it’s been a minute.

2025 honestly took me on a rollercoaster. So many ups, so many downs, and a whole lot of emotions I didn’t know what to do with. I learned a lot about myself last year, and I made the decision to step back from posting so I could really reflect. I didn’t want to come back just posting anything, I wanted to be clear on the direction I was going, what I wanted to share, and who I was becoming.

So here I am. I’m glad to be back.

I’m not saying I’m 100% “okay,” but I’m getting close. And having something I genuinely enjoy again helps ease the heaviness on the days when sadness and depression try to creep in.

Having three kids under four has been a whirlwind. Every postpartum season has shaped me in ways I never could’ve imagined. From my first postpartum experience to this most recent one, I’ve struggled with feelings of regret, sadness, and just pure confusion. Sometimes it hits me all at once, I signed up to raise not one, but three kids in this world. Three boys at that.

I grew up around a mix of boy and girl cousins, but none in my immediate household, so raising boys still feels like unfamiliar territory. How do I raise boys who will eventually become men? Possibly husbands. Possibly fathers. The pressure feels heavy. I don’t want to mess this up. I want them to be confident, kind, compassionate, selfless, ambitious, God-fearing, all the things.

And this postpartum era has really forced me to face the reality that my autonomy feels… gone. With one kid, I had balance. With each child added, the load got heavier and so did the sadness. Eating more. Escaping into shows. Quietly wishing I had chosen differently. Not because I don’t love my kids,I love them deeply but because I’m not the mom I thought I would be.

I always knew I wanted kids. Honestly, I wanted motherhood even more than marriage. So realizing that my experience hasn’t felt beautiful or easy has been a weird grief to sit with. Have you ever thought, why can’t I just have this one thing? I know I’m blessed, I truly do, but things have never really come easy for me. I’ve heard a lot of “no’s.” Experienced a lot of rejection and heartbreak. And sometimes I just wonder, why can’t this era be mine? Why can’t I be happy and content? Why can’t I feel like other moms seem to feel?

But maybe this is how God works in my life. Maybe things come harder so I’ll appreciate them deeper.

It reminds me of college, applying for audit internships year after year, getting closer to a “yes” every time, until I finally got one. I landed a job my last semester before graduation. I was shocked. I was so used to rejection that I wasn’t prepared for acceptance. And ever since then, I haven’t had to struggle to land a job. I’ve worked at amazing companies and I appreciate it so much because I remember the struggle.

So many other areas of my life mirror that.

I’ve lost friendships over the past few years. Painful ones. But they forced me to reflect, to see where I went wrong, where I could do better, and how to show up differently. I’ve even checked in with my current friends to make sure I’m being the friend I want to be. Friendship breakups taught me to appreciate the good ones when they come.

I met one of my best friends through a mom app. For my first birthday knowing her, she booked a hotel, got me a cake, decorations — the whole thing. I was stunned. I hadn’t experienced that kind of care before. And it made me realize you really do meet the right people at the right time. I had just lost two friendships when she entered my life.

Same with my college best friend, she’ll hop on a bus from Houston to see me without hesitation. Every friend I have now has shown up for me in ways I couldn’t imagine, listening to my vents, supporting me, simply being present. And I know if I hadn’t experienced the losses, I wouldn’t appreciate this kind of love the same way.

Maybe motherhood is like that too.

Maybe I have to walk through the hard days, the exhausting seasons, the confusing moments, so I can fully appreciate the good when it comes. My kids won’t be little forever. I won’t feel this way forever. I will make it to the other side.

So for now, I’m trusting that the bad doesn’t cancel out the good. it leads me to it.

And honestly? Writing this was therapeutic.

If you’ve ever felt this way — about motherhood or about something completely different, let me know. You’re not alone. 🤍